If you follow me on Twitter you will know I post my thoughts or views on things as they are at that very moment, and you might have noticed lately I've been discussing mental health and my lack thereof a lot more regularly. 

As I get older and more responsibilities are laid onto me I feel like my life can resemble a tower of Jenga bricks, able to take on lots at one time, however remove one key 'brick' and the whole thing will come crumbling down.  I'm a stress head, and over thinker and I am my own worst critic.  I suspect a lot of people living in my generation or probably even in the younger generation must feel this way to some extent.  We have so much pressure applied to us usually most of it coming from ourselves, and I often lust for a simple, more easy lifestyle were social media didn't exist nor the broadband connection to supply it.  I think about this quite often and how I feel like I was destined to have lived in my Granddad's or Dad's generation where things just seem easier.  Of course I doubt they were, and in some ways they would have been much harder but what I am getting at is the idea that more time was spent outdoors, or with loved ones or doing more worth while tasks, living....  Part of me is terrified to have children as I know how cruel the world is now I myself have grown up and the conditioning of the 21st century only appears to be making things worse.

I find it hard to get out on paper what goes on inside my mind.  I can only describe it as busy.  Busy with self loathing or negative thoughts a lot of time at least.  I will go through periods of great sadness and the feeling of emptiness where washing my hair is too much hassle.  I'll usually come home in the evening and go straight to bed and scroll through social media which makes me feel worse!  Does anybody else watch all snapchats, instastories, catch up on all social media apps and then just start right back round at the first one again refreshing for new info.  When I sit and think about how many hours of my life I have spent doing so I feel ashamed and angry at the time I could have spent doing something useful.

Then after a few hours or days of feeling like this I'll flip 180 and have all this motivation and think "fuck feeling like this, I'm gonna fight back" and it works for a while until we start back at the beginning again.  I can go through such highs and then dip right back down to some of the lowest places, it's exhausting. 

Add caption

I don't always remember feeling like this, I reckon it gets more noticeable with age.   I spend a lot of time thinking about it all.  I am a deep person, I like to challenge myself and improve how I do things and be the best version of myself.  This I am sure is a great thing to be, but at times I feel it can be the worst trait I have.  I am never content, I am always wanting more, to be more, for life to have more meaning, to enjoy the simple things, live a carefree life and so on.  I often wish I was someone who could easily settle however in honesty I never switch off.  I can be found in bed each night playing over the entire day tormenting myself with checklists running through what I did and what I didn't get done, what I should have said instead or planning the day to come or week or month or year! 

My mind is always alive and jam packed yet can always find room to worry, worry about the things that probably won't even happen, or I won't know until I reach that point in my life.  Can I have kids? What if I can't have kids? What if my Mum gets cancer again? Has she got it again and just doesn't want to tell me?  What am I going to do when my Parents die?  All of the above will often be mixed in with overthinking such as; Did I unplug everything before leaving the house? I can often be found turning around, checking 2/3 times before leaving or ringing my Mum to call out to confirm on her way to work.  Otherwise, in my head I will never settle.  I'll be panicking the house will go on fire and Pippa my dog will be trapped.  Thinking people are talking about me is also a big concern, or panicking that something that isn't my fault somehow is and I'll get sacked from work, which then in turn means I won't be able to afford my mortgage and will loose my house.

Pressure is something I am well aware I apply to much of  towards myself.  Whether its to progress in my career by a certain age, earn a particular wage, be happy, blog more, learn new skills the list could go on.  I spend so much time juggling all of these thoughts and emotions that I get to a point where I end up having a complete breakdown usually caused by the smallest most insignificant thing happening, and then begin to rebuild myself back up again.

Writing this all down has been an eye opener for me.  I am aware it sounds absolutely mental and I'm not sure how I even manage to function with the rest of life when I permanently have this on top.  When it comes to mental health I read a quote which said that Anxiety can feel like being in an abusive relationship with yourself, and it couldn't be any truer.

I made a deal with myself lately to spend time training myself to be calm.  I'm reading self help books, spending less time on social media, practising yoga & meditation, exercising, looking after myself in regards to self care, breathing and slowing down.  I listen to music, audio books, podcasts to focus my mind and stop it from wandering at night time, I wake up earlier to allow myself more time so everything doesn't begin in a blur of panic rushing around to get ready. 

Slowly I believe I might be getting somewhere...